Country life

Finally made it up to the country house this weekend. Great to be able to stretch my legs and inhale the fresh country air. You can't beat those smells — bear poop, cougar poop and my personal favourite, horse poop. But what is it with the wildlife up there? I got all excited when I saw a bunch of funny-looking animals with big ears munching on some grass. I ran over to join them and they took off like their white butts were on fire! How rude. And how stupid to run that fast when nobody has even thrown a ball ...

Is this a dog?

I mean, come on — how can someone with a mug like this be a member of my species? Even Botox couldn't help with those wrinkles. And how does he breathe through that nose, much less sniff out anything interesting in the garbage? Perhaps that's why Buddy here waddles around with his tongue sticking out most of the time — the only way he's going to find something good to eat when he's out and about is if it falls out of the sky and lands on his face. Come to think of it, that might be an improvement ...

Hail to the pooch

So what is all this fuss over the dog moving into the White House? I'm told Bo a Portuguese water dog, but he looks like a scruffy two-tone poodle with a goofy tail to me. And what's with bragging that he's a "water dog"? Get me within 100 yards of a fish pond or a wading pool and I'll jump right in, but I don't feel the need to show off by putting it in my name. Mine tells you that I have a skill — I retrieve things. What's this guy's special talent, watering the carpet in the Oval Office? And how important can the First Dog be if he doesn't even have a blog?

Dogs don't do dictionaries

The person who feeds me has been trying to teach me a new word, "counter-productive." It's a bit of an abstract concept for me, since it doesn't involve food. But she keeps using it — for example, when she's trying to get out of bed in the morning and I'm lying on top of her, and when she's trying to put her shoes on to take me for a walk and I'm shoving my head between her knees. I don't get it. I just know she wastes a lot of time trying to explain big words to me when she should be getting out of bed and putting her shoes on to take me for a walk...

Canine couture

It must be spring because the little dogs have traded in their fleece-lined winter jackets for jaunty little numbers like the one Olive is wearing here (with coordinated leash, no less). I say "little dogs" because no big dog with any self-respect would tolerate being dolled up like this. I suppose it's fine for the pint-sized mutts — they need to do everything they can to draw attention down to their level, which I imagine is why Olive has a bark that could shatter a plate-glass window. But stick me in one of these things and I'll roll over in the first mud puddle I can find. Of course, I'll do that without the silly coat too ..

Home Alone (not the movie)

I'm bored. The person who feeds me has left me alone — again — and there is absolutely nothing fun to do. She wonders why I do things I'm not supposed to when she's away, like eating everything I can find on the kitchen counters (kiwi fruit, by the way, looks furry on the outside but tastes nothing like meat). It's because I am B-O-R-E-D. She sometimes leaves the radio on when she goes out, but what good is that? If she really wants to keep me amused, she should leave the fridge open.

Retrievers rule

This is me with Piper and Rusty, who are my kind of dogs. I don't know why they make any breeds other than goldens — clearly, they got it right with us. Although I'm not completely sure about either of these two. Piper likes to rumble with every dog in the park and she does this silly little prancing thing when she runs, both of which I find quite juvenile. And Rusty, who seems like a fine fellow otherwise, is apparently afraid of the water! Both of them need a refresher course in the golden rules.

Oh shut up

I can understand why Piper is hiding behind me, trying to stay away from Milo. What is it with dogs like this? Because they're little and fluffy and cute, they think they can get away with behaving like maniacs, jumping up on people and barking like mad at anything that moves. But I must admit I have picked up a few pointers from Milo, who lives next door. I've noticed that when he barks like crazy at the back door, he usually gets let in the house from the backyard. I've tried it myself a few times — with a dignified woof, of course, not Milo's insane little yips — and it works! I guess little dogs are good for something.

Good dog, bad owner

You know, I posted this photo a few days ago, then took it down — it was just too embarrassing. But then I started to think about it. It's not me who should be ashamed of this ridiculous display, it's the person who did this to me. I don't know what she was thinking — I was just  minding my own business when she suddenly stuffed me into a jean jacket and a beret and took my picture. She tried to make me dangle a cigarette from my top lip, but I drew the line at that. She was laughing all the way through it, but do I look happy? She should have her tail between her legs for this stunt, not me.

Food for thought

I don't know what kind of luck you other dogs are having in convincing your person that you need more than two meals a day, plus the occasional treat. I haven't managed to get that message across quite yet. And frankly, it's pissing me off.

Until then, I'll keep doing what I do now — finding things to eat on the street. Here are a few of my personal favourites:

Sticks: There's nothing like chewing on some wood to fill the stomach and add some much-needed fibre to the diet. Yum.

Grass: I like to rip it up in big chunks, especially the tender new stuff. I keep hearing we should eat more greens — I'm all over it.

Stuff birds drop: You won't believe what you can find on the street that's fallen out of the sky — chicken bones, fish heads, stinky half-chewed hunks of unidentifiable flesh. I once found a lobster claw, believe it or not. That was a good day ...

Stuff people put out for birds: This is usually a light carbohydrate snack, like bread or crackers. Not very filling, but you can snarf a lot of it down pretty quickly.

Stuff kids drop: Streets around schools are good for this. My favourite are the shiny silver bags that smell like sour cream or salt and vinegar. Stick your head way in and munch as fast as you can before your person spoils the fun.

Any dogs out there have your own tips? I'm all ears ....

Why dogs should blog

I don't know why more dogs don't blog. We've got the world figured out far more than people do, so we clearly have way more to say. 

Look at me, for instance — I don't have a job or any money, but I have the run of a nice two-storey house, plus a cottage near the ocean. I can't talk, but I still manage to get my person to do whatever I want her to. I whine at the door, she takes me for a walk. I lie down in the kitchen and make dopey sad eyes at her, she gives me a treat. I come home wet from walking in the rain and she rubs me down with a towel and wipes my paws. I poop and she picks it up and puts it in a bag, for god's sake.

Sure, I let her think she's in charge once in a while, as long as I'm in the mood. But we all know I'm just humoring her. Dominant species, my furry ass.

Fun and games with couch potatoes

Here's a fun exercise for all you dogs with owners who spend too much time on the couch. It works best when it's chilly outside.

Step 1: Go to back door and whine to be let out. Make it sound like you really need to pee.

Step 2: When your person gets up to let you out, act like you've changed your mind — sit down and make it look like you have no interest in going outside. The trick here is to make sure the person leaves the door open a crack, in case you change your mind again. 

Step 3: Wait until they sit back down on the couch and make themselves comfortable. Then push the door open with your face and go outside. Try to make sure the door is open at least halfway.

Step 4: Wait until your person gets off the couch again to close the door because cold air is getting into the house. Sniff around and look busy until the door is closed and your person is back on the couch.

Step 5: Run up to the door and whine piteously until the person can't stand it any more and gets off the couch again to let you in.

Step 6: Wait a couple of minutes and start over at Step 1. Trust me, it never gets old!